omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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