Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
