FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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