My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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