My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
