I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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