I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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