went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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