I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
