Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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