My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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