The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
