I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
