you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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