On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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