I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
