all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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