I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
