I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
