Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize