You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
