I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
