Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
