My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
