Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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