Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
