why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
