this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
