upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
