Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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