I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
