NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
