i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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