i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
