I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
