Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm at about main and main street
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
