i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is my gift to your gina
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
