ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
