If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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