Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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