I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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