If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
