I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
