If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize