By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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