Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
