so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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