walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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