OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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