The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
