i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
as a side note pls kill me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
