about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
