I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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