I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
